President Elect

Presidential Blog Corner

This week we are proud to announce that Nigerian President elect Nsa ‘Junior’ Harrison has decided to give LNRFC blog writers unrestricted access to his stupendous country farmhouse here in the UK in the weeks before his inauguration. For the past 6 months Nsa has been running a long distance but stunning campaign to usurp President Olesugun Obasanjo and install himself as the new President of Nigeria. His headquarters is a 20 acre state-of-the-art pig farm in sunny Somerset. Nsa studied Pig keeping at Bristol University and will in fact be Nigeria 1^st University educated president which adds to his overall appeal.

How did he win? LNRFC bloggers were more surprised than most. Nsa had a reputation at Bristol for replacing important tasks with, shall we say, less important ones. According to one anonymous former classmate, if given the choice of going to his Breed recognition finals exam or staying at home in bed, Nsa was bedbound every time. Even so he qualified with a double 1^st (certificate available for inspection) and was offered a scholarship to Harvard which he turned down to fight and subsequently win the presidential elections (information from presidential lawyer Jemi Akin-Olugbadin).

The picture below of Nsa (in blue) published in the Nigerian press looking very much the 26 years stated in his passport. This photo showing him in simple attire very much tied in with Nsa’s claim that his presidential style would be “for the people by the people”.

The EU Observation Mission called the election a charade that did not meet international standards or the aspirations of Nigerians. A Ms Sawwyer added “Our monitors throughout the country... documented numerous lapses, irregularities and electoral malpractices that characterised the election in many states”.

The Transition Monitoring Group (TMG), with 50,000 Nigeria observers on the ground, called for the polls to be cancelled.

In a world exclusive 1^st interview his Excellency-to-be answers his critics:

Nsa: It’s ridiculous. I was on my farm, how could I influence what was happening over there, and besides, that was around he time that a good friend asked me to come round for dinner.

Now you’ve been elected is it true that you plan to rule from Somerset…and why a pig farm?

Nsa: Well the thing is, I was going to go to Nigeria after I won, but I couldn’t get air conditioned pigsties in Abuja for my prized possessions – can you imagine that? Well that one of the first thing that’s going to change when I’m president.

Anyway Somerset reminds me of my village in Jos with the green fields, cattle and Glastonburyesque parties.. My father was a pig keeper and his father before him. The attraction?.. I find pig so much more honest than people especially certain countrymen of mine.

With the greatest respect your Excellency, you’re not really answering the question. How will you ensure that the electorate get a representative and fair democracy?

Nsa: Well I could do all that, and I will do all that, but now I have to go because my tea is ready and I’ve been waiting for my tea all day. Plus Jim has some shirts and I’ve got other stuff to do and I was going to do it then, but I went out before I could.

Thanks you Sa. Perhaps you’ll consider answering a few questions next week too?

Nsa: Of course I’ll be here and I can even answer more questions because I’ll have more time, because I won’t be in Oxford or Stains then, so I can answer loads more questions…huh, and yeah…but wait, because I think I might have tea again and that will mean I won’t have time.

Next week The Tough challenges for Nigeria’s 1^st pig keeping leader.

President Junior

This week we are very pleased to announce that Nsa ‘Junior’ Harrison has allowed us to report on his recent election campaign. For the past 6 months Nsa has been running a long distance campaign to usurp President Olesugun Obasanjo and install himself as the new President of Nigeria. His headquarters? A pig farm in Somerset where he hoped to gain the momentum and goodwill he needed. He did. Nigeria elected their noble son in droves and now Nigeria ‘expects.'

How did he win? LNRFC were more surprised than anyone. Nsa 'Junior' Harrison has a reputation for replacing important tasks with utterly frivolous ones. Not answering important emails because he had to ‘go out.’ For example.

The Tough Challenges Ahead

Bravely reported by Ugo Ekeowa.

Nsa Harrison replaces Olusegun Obansanjo when he is sworn in as Nigeria’s next president tomorrow on his Somerset farm. The inauguration was moved to the UK on Nsa’s insistence as Virgin Nigeria refused to transport his award winning Gloucestershire Old Spots without the necessary licences.

The ceremony was planned for last week but the president elect was cutting the grass on his 20 acre farm which he informs us “takes three whole days for the farm hands”.

World Exclusive; President Nsa’s Gloucester Old Spots

Nsa replaces Obasanjo, who plucked him from relative obscurity as a quiet Uk farmer to be his successor. There had been rumours that Nsa is in fact Ghanian but he laid these to rest by producing his Nigerian passport and birth certificate early in the election process. What was truly unique about his landslide ‘victory’ was that this was achieved without him setting foot in Nigeria during the election campaign which is unheard-of even in a country whose history is littered with coups and military rule. This form of campaigning may become a template for future election in other African states with scattered diaspora. The elections however have been condemned by observers both at home and abroad as simply "not credible”.

Overcoming the issue of legitimacy is just one of the tasks facing Nsa. Nigeria is the continent's major oil producer but is riven by corruption and insecurity. Most people lack even the most basic amenities, such as running water and electricity and they live in poverty despite the government receiving billions of dollars in oil revenues.

Nsa’s manifesto had included his headline antipoverty plan which was to provide a pig for every home where the salary was above thirty US dollars/day after means testing. He had also promised to fast track visa applications to the EU and US which proved very popular as shown in pre elections polls.

The president elect is currently overseeing the addition of the ‘Presidential Wing’ to his already substantial farmhouse in the west of Somerset. It is an exact replica of the Presidential Palace in Aso Rock. Of interest building work started two years ago which led some commentators to suggest that the election result was planned years ago. Nsa plans to be in daily email contact with his future ministers in Nigeria and has recently downloaded Skype which allows video conferencing. The identity of his ministers is a closely guarded secret but rumors suggest that Ossi Omokhodion his longstanding head groundsman is expected to fill the all important finance post.

For security reasons Nsa has moved his London base from relatively diverse Acton to Stains in West London. Head of security Femi Oba; We have found that there are too many Nigerians in Acton which means too many security risks. Stains is perfect as the President is nearer other world leaders and the holiday rental income is substantially more lucrative. Nsa has signed the completion forms.

Next week we discuss the New ministers and relive the splendor of the inauguration with more exclusive pictures. Any readers with particular issue that they want covered or questions they want the President to answer please write in.