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Fola's Chronicles

Mon 2/07

TO GO OR NOT TO GO?

Where's the bus?.......................... 'We can't leave for Ilorin after 1330, it's not safe!'

HELD HOSTAGE AT CHICKEN REPUBLIC

Boredom and hunger descend we head to Chicken Republic in order to feed the Ambassadors. They 've got a new take on fast food. Hand over your cash, '22 Chicken taxi meals please'......................... bad move. They forgot to tell us that the chicken that we were expecting hadn't hatched yet, worse still mother hen only hatched one bugger at a time.

After 60 minutes call for service was met with "ready in 5 minutes"

After 90 minutes " I want my money back", response "sorry sir I can't give refunds".

THE 'ROAD' TO ILORIN

Depart Lagos 1700 (u dey craze!!)

Quick Nando's load up at tollgate followed by TGH's quick expressway release

3 Vehicle hazard light flashing convoy........... top speed 60 mph

highlights - Will King's karaoke 'Becky' greatest hits........... the guys a star

a detour 4x4 bush route........ the track was so bad that we met one truck on the way. No self respecting armed robber would waste his time in such a forlorn spot.

the eventual submission to FATE............ a mass visitation to dey bush on the side of an expressway filled with speeding erratic tankers at 11.00 pm

KWARA HOTEL

A 200 bed marbled 4 star in the middle of a quiet city. A jewel how the hell did such a cool spot end up out here. Great service, great ambience, clean rooms, pool, gym, squash, tennis, nightclub, etc.

Our base for 3 nights, yes Ilorin was so GOOOOooood we stayed an extra day.

Tues 3/07

0730 - Get on the bus or get left behind, hence we leave or two stragglers to find their way.

0745 - Ilorin Stadium as with all things in this tranquil city is not what you would expect........... great multi sport facilities

0800 - Rob and Andy have the guys training on the outer fields of the state stadium, they knuckle down to a 90 minute session; no complaints and just 3 group water breaks........... Wow!

1000 - Coaching Clinic

5 Big Bo Bo Bo Boszas for.................................. for everyone and the clinic is under way each squad member begins to run a group of youths through some basic skills

300 screaming youngsters in Ilorin, fantastic hand to eye coordination, speed and a passion for this crazy game that they had just heard of.

Star of the show - 'Captain Victor' watch out for this kid he watches rugby whenever he can and gate crashed the clinic as he was too young and belonged to none of the invited schools. It still did not stop this (pint sized George Gregan ............... alas he will end up being a scrum half) kid ordering 13 and 14 year olds around.

Meanwhile Fred and Andy are conducting an IRB level 1 course for some 34 hopefuls......... later reports indicated that not only was it highly successful, but they had never encountered such a passion for the game.

1500 - A healthy sportsmans lunch.................... Hot Puff puff (Naija donuts) washed down with a bottle of Coca Cola. Packaged and served by the LNRFC squad.

1630 A medal ceremony conducted by Fred Ollows our Kenya RFU IRB Instructor and Tunde Aiyegbusi.

Wed 04/07

0800 - More training, a nasty 3 hour session, I have not seen LNRFC train this hard in last 3 seasons........................ things are looking up. No whinging bar myself; 32 degrees heat; 4 group water breaks.......................... a team lunch then back to the hotel.

1300 - Day 2 of the coaches course is underway in a conference suite, word has got around and now the 34 prospective caoches have swelled to 60 in number. Only the original 34 make it through, but that is the level of enthusiasm shown.

1545 - Missed the bus back to the stadium, end up catching a cab with Simi and some other stragglers.

Warm up and drills and then kick off against Kwara Dynamite RFC, in front of 600 bemused spectators. Dynamite beats us hands down with in Commitment and passion stakes, luckily technical nous wins the day. Reminds me of early LNRFC, watch out for Kwara Dynamite in the future............................. we win.

Highlight - At half time a full blooded match between two female sides and I mean full blooded; these women normally train with the guys..........Ouch!!

The day ends with a Cup presentation and the donation of a set of shirts to Kwara Dynamite, coupled with this was a donation of balls, post protectors, maul pads, tackle bags and a scrummage machine ....................... still awaiting delivery from Lagos.

Back to the Kwara Hotel where an unbiased court session is held, this results in certain individuals ending up embarassed and poorer.

Thu 05/07

GOOD BYE ILORIN

An uneventful trip back to Lagos

The evening sees us pitch up at the Old Boys Reunion Dinner, where the likes of Magnus Macauley regaled the squad with tales of his exploits in yester years

Our sponsors, notably VirginNigeria where duly lauded for their support.

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06/07

Missed training .... N3k fine...........

Looked like a 'real fun' session, the guys are covered head to foot in mud due to bathing in a waterlogged polo field.

Highlight - The 'Faith' Healer
Osahon turns his ankle and heads for the stands where he proceeds to lie prostate on the floor. Much oohing and aahing is heard from our fallen hero. Babs get him some ice as soon as it is applied to his ankle a scream pierces the air. Os shoo's Babs away; prognosis end of playing tour for the big man.

Sargent Ikhoma (Head Mopol) one our armed mobile police guards had other ideas,he hitches his sub machine gun over his shoulder, barrel pointing downwards. He then leans over Os, picks up the ice bag and applies it to the sprained ankle. Osahon winces, but not a sound he maketh. Head Mopol gives him a cursory glance, by chance the gun barrel is hovering over Osahon's ankle. This 'doc' is from the tough school and he begins to vigourously massage the ice into the victims ankle. Not a sound emits from Big Os as realises Head Mopol means business. The vigourous ice massage continues for about 5 minutes. Persppiration glistens on the Sargents forehead, the gun barrel casually bumps against the patients lower leg.

At last Head Mopol relents and barks an order, "Oya, I want you to march up and down, let the blood flow". A traumatised Os launches himself barefoot up and down the wet concrete terrace, lest his blood begins to flow externally rather than................... 5 minutes and many laps later big Os is good to go........ Sprained ankle!! WHAT sprained ankle?

At that moment if if you had asked Osahon to play two back to back games he would have. Ahhh!...... the Power of Faith..

1430 - We comandeer the bus for a quick raid on Lekki Arts and Crafts market, Macca, Chima, Rob, Hisham and I. On arrival we are surrounded by traders who have not sold much due to the rain. Macca goes all blue and ends up wiith canvas purchases of a similar hue. Chima gets a nostalgic urge for river and village scences and duly makes some traders day. Hisham plums for an Ijaw masquerades bulls head mask complete with horns.... (remind me to introduce him to SANE when we return). Whilst Rob the main instigator behind our trip plumbed the depths acroos the road.

1700 - Chief (Mrs) Allan hosted a sumptuous dinner for the tour party and some 50 guests at the equally salubrious Regents Dining Rooms. I t was also Captain Wole's birthday, he duly made a speech and distributed some cake.......... mmmm not bad. Osahon duly ran through a well rehearsed speech and thanked every living creature between Lagos and Jo'burg and then I hit the dance floor until my beautiful wife showed up and took me home.

Fabulous night Thank you to our hostess.

7/07 - Rob has gone mad, he told me that I would be playing; I'm thinking of putting in a call for help to Help the Aged. Worse still the captain has leant me a pair of RED!! vinyl boots with blades, not studs underfoot........... WHat about my rep?

Their last act of madness is to move me from my favoured fly half position to prop.....O yea of short sight fear not because you lack vision......

1200 - We erect our sponsors banners, warm up, mark out the pitch and await our oppo. Whilst waiting we are humbled by a group of fearless kidswho take part in an exhibition match. Most are barefoot and give no quarter in the wet muddy conditions. Skills abound and two of them would give our wingers a run for their money........................... though on second thoughts so would I.

Lagos Select XV v LNRFC XV

Match kicked off at a frantic pace. Lagos Select with passion to the fore, LNRFC meet fire with fire and due to technical superiority and eventually win the match, score 3 - 20.

Lagos Select XV v Northern Select

"In wet weather keep it tight" Both these teams ignored this addage and tried to ship and run at every opportunity. Good handling skills ensured that the match maintained a frentic tempo. The Lagos Select XV eventually won by the smallest of margins, much to the joy of the home based support.

Nigerian Police Lagos v Addax

Two young clubs met for the forst time and displayed this unrelenting passion, no holds barred commitment; which seems to be a common trait amongst local based sides. Addax eventually won the game, though the newly formed Police side were comptitive throughout.

News Flash................Shock!! News... Hisham El Marazki will play no further part due to a back injury....

I have been informed that I will be in the starting line up for the next match, wisdom has not won the day as they have decided to handicap our side by not playing me at fly half. This is an............. OUTrage, my immediate thought is too RUN........... the 10 foot perimeter wall is no obstacle, but what lies on the other side deters me............. the odd unfed Rotweiller or two!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Northern Select v LNRFC

"Become A Virtual Playa"

We're on kick off is mminent, been a long time since I last played. I switch to virtual mode....

The crowd cheers ...... for me. The match begins at a frenzied pace, but as with all great playas, I have all the time in the world. I 'seem' to walk from one set peice to another. With my red, vinyl 'go faster' boots I glide and find gaps at every turn, even if the game appears to be at least 20 metres in front of me. Ah Well! I can't blame myself if the others can't keep up.

Constantly my vast experience comes into play, I strategically postion myself, knowing full well that if I wait in long enough, play will return to the exact spot that I have chosen..... and when it does I find a new space and wait again.

Yes, I hear you say rugby is a contact sport but in the modern game the art is not to look for contact but to find the gap or SPACE and this I am very adept at.

Slight hitch at the first scrum the opposition prop put up some resistance. Second scrum I brought all the weight of my experience to bear and used all my 20 stones to demolish his 13. ........ pah! Impudence.

HALF TIME - The coach gives me a sign, 10 more minutes and I'm off. Because I had done what was required and the game was ours.

The plot was for Ritchie (Young Son) to replace me in the front row.

10 minutes later, I make my exit to a standing ovation.

Young Son is sinbinned within 2 minutes........... crime had not brought the referee (Fred) a drink all tour.

I duly return to the field of play..............and receive yet another standing ovation.

One more assault on the line, one more try and Young Son returns from the sin bin; I make my final exit..... this time the crowd show a bit of originality and I am mobbed by a throng who try to take my shirt and shake my hand.

Alas two factors late in the game reveal that my exit was premature. Firstly, without my protective powers and the fear of retribution, the Northern Select begin to play. On seeing this Ugo decides to head butt the oppo centre............. wait for it........ with his CHIN........ you'd think that he would know better as the guy is a student doctor. UGOoooooooooo! common sense use forehead, fist, feet for assault, not your nose, groin or Chin., DuuH!!

The oppo up their game and Tunde Aiyegbusi slots in on the left wing (Why?), wrong move, the ball is quickly shifted out to his opposite winger; who smiles and duly rounds him..... TRY! The fact is I had strategically positioned myself up and down this touchline all game; I leave it for one miute and they score.

The cord snaps on Fred's shorts, he red cards Rob our coach...... I can see that he is losing it as fatigue sets in, On the promise of me buying him a peach brandy, he blows the final whistle. We win 5 - 20.

LNRFC are presented the COCONU (Carl Oliver Christian Odumegwu Ndubuisi Ugwunkwo) Memorial Cup.

Virgin Nigeria and Exxon Mobil banners are iluminated as endless cameras freeze flash the historic moment.

SUN 8/07

Mid day at the Boat Club, I opt for the speed boat with the white leather seats..... Thanks Fash.... and take ownership as we speed towards Takawa Bay..

Doc Richard Ajayi has laid on a do for us at his beach house.

Hit the beach and make our way towards the music. Iby proceeds to buy a Jack fish for the BBQ.......... thats bigger than him.

This surreal, the beach has a little wrought iron gate and is surrounded by a chain mail fence. Sand laws replace grass. The DJ is in full swing, bbq on the go, free drink and buffet for those who don't do flame charred food.

Sun shining, dancing, mingling, chatting. Maynard (Buff) thinks he's at last made it to the set of a 50 Kobo vid, poor guy keeps glancing at the garden gate waiting for Dr Dre to show.

Not a frown is sight all day........ smiles all around, Doc Richard has really gone to town on this one.

What a way to end the tour, it can't get much better than this, or can it.

Roll On 2008

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Chi Chi Demonstrates keen eye for fashion

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BMI Soars as Tourists arrive in Nigeria

Great anticipation surrounded Nigerian Stock for the duration of the LNRFC Ambassadors Tour 2007. It was to be a time of high volatility and for the tourists and the potential for profit was deemed to adequately high which invoked great interest and speculation on various sectors.

The main point of discussion and the source of a lot of speculation on the market was the BMI Index. Ritchie Ross Forrester and Chi-Chi Obuaya financial analysts and aggressive investors in their own rights both speculated that there would be a brief but noticeable increase in the BMI Index but that a swift correction would follow leaving the Indices with very modest gains at the end.

On the other hand Wole Olufunwa and Ernest Hanson usually very aggressive investors in the market, warned against investing in the BMI Index as returns were rather too unpredictable and unreliable for his tastes.

In reality the BMI index saw a very sharp increase showing at least as much as 18% increase within the first 2 days of the tour's arrival. It then went on to through previous resistance level and consolidating it position very well above expected levels.

Unlike most indices the BMI trades through the weekend and some analysts even go as far as to say that this is the peak period of trading when most new highs and lows occur.

True to form the BMI index volumes broke through record levels on sunday night just as markets were opening in the east. Tourists saw gains reach close to 50% above the levels at the beginning of the tour, a feat only possible in Nigeria. The market even saw huge spikes in offered prices of close to 1200% above market. Thankfully these offers were not taken as the ramifications to the market as a whole could have been devastating.

With these new highs, the the market saw new fresh investors anxious to scoop up some of the profits and this drove the market even higher. The new investors were heard to report greater than expected gains. One investor who requested to remain anonymous boasted over 300% increase in his assets due to market movements in the BMI.

With the departure of the tourist levels are reported to returning to normal however we expect that levels will probably never return to original levels after the tour.

Other indices and areas of the market saw modest gains but these will be rounded up in the next instalment of Tour Finance.

Reporting

Osahon Omokhodion

LNRFC Finance

Bo Bo Bo! Bosza!

Bo Bo Bo! Bosza!

The final curtain – cue Frank Sinatra

By Hisham

It’s over. We’ve had a great time, we given something back and we’ve learnt a thing or two about rugby. An excellent tour. Thanks to our sponsors who helped us get here, donate vital equipment, and make waves here in Nigeria (I, for one, been asked to have numerous pictures taken with people and even been asked for an autograph….I can’t wait for my wife to remind me how unimportant I really am).

From Lagos we’ll take away an understanding of chaos. From Ilorin we’ll take away how passion really can be all you need to make something out of nothing. We’ll want to take some of the Ilorin passion and fury onto the pitch at home. We’ve learnt a thing or two about each other (ahhh), and we’ve had a damned good time. In fact, I’d be rather shocked if anyone who’d been on this tour wouldn’t immediately sign up for next year.

Oh, and we’ve also learnt that some of us weren’t shouting our Nigerian chant quite right either…

Bosza!

our thanks to Virgin Nigeria, FBN Bank, Kwara Hotel. The Ambassador Hotel, ExxonMobil, and Kwara State Government.

Mark Ho Sports a traditional Nigerian outfit

Breaking news – Chi Chi steals Naija woman from Island

This picture just sent in by an offended reader. It appears as if Chi Chi commandeered a boat, went to an Island near Lagos and kidnapped a woman whose name is, at this time, unknown. The whereabouts of Chi Chi is also unknown, and whilst the lady in question looks happy enough in the photo - under duress you'd wave too... we are all hoping and praying for her safety. Updates will follow as soon as they’re in.

Carl Christian Memorial Tournament

by Rob Relton

7 July 2007

On a clear but damp Saturday in July (the 7^th to be exact) Lagos Polo Club locked all the horses in the stables, marked up a temporary rugby pitches and hosted a tournament for a different type of thoroughbred.

Three teams congregated to play a full afternoon's rugby, with the winner taking a newly created trophy for this special occasion. London Nigerian Rugby Football Club, coming to the end of a ten day tour of Lagos and Ilorin were the sole overseas side. Also included were a Lagos 'select' team (i.e. the best players from this chaotic but addictive city) and a 'select side from the northern states of Nigeria.

LNRFC played Lagos select first. This was a bruising and intense game. The home side set a fast and furious pace, whilst LNRFC played a tight relentless game. The visiting sides forwards dominated with size and technique coming out victors with a scoreline of 3 – 15.

The second match saw a closely contested battle between the two home sides. The level of running and handling skill, given the wet and 'boggy' conditions was exciting for the crowd and a pleasure to watch. The Northern select side were the eventual winners which set up a mouth watering finale with LNRFC. The game lived up to expectations with hard running, crunching tackles and a pace/intensity which again kept the crowds enthralled. Whilst LNRFC.gained the upper hand in terms of score the home side would not lie down; fighting all the way to the end they scored a try in the final minute of the game. The final score was 5 – 17 to LNRFC

Rugby is a tough sport, but rewarding to play and creates a bond and friendships which transcends the incidental. Everyone has 'won' something on this tour and we hope to make it an annual event!

Quotes from the tour

Compiled by Chima

"5"

The number of times Aliyu mentioned to guys who didn't go clubbing how he had "never seen so many fine babes in one club in my entire life" before promising not to mention it again.

"l'm Buttercup..."

Andy Franco, revealing his suite name at the Ambassadors hotel and (at the same time) his newly appointed Tour nickname since sporting a new (shocking) bleach blond hairstyle

"...Maybe it's me but the Gulder tastes better here than in the UK"

Stranger: "It's because that one was free, that's all"

Chima Ijeoma, trying one (of many) Naija beers on a night out.

Chima: I don't wear sunglasses after sunset

Maynard: I do - It stops a girl looking into the inner reaches of your soul - and helps you avoid eye contact with the 'bushmeat'. I'm sure the Bushmeat Index has gone up at least three points since we got here.

"I've got one thing to say. This court is a JOKE and I'm going to get ALL of you ¥#@!$ back!"

Chu Chu, perfectly demonstrating what not to say during a Tour Court session.

"Teargas"

Femi Obe's tour nickname, after a night out being forced to wear wife-beaters and a tie as tour punishment.

"£100"

Femi Obe's 'Tour Court' bills.

"Chai!!..."

Jim Siu, explaining to inquisitive playas about the morning after the night before.

"Riff raff can you boys sit down so we can leave. 1A"

Text message sent by Nsa Junior Harrison from his newly acquired business class seat, '1A', on route to Lagos.

Mark (looking out of coach window): Sh*t

Chima: What?

Mark: The way that car just cut in - they drive with no remorse here.

Os: That's just the way it is...

Andy: You drive with remorse - you don't get anywhere - simple.

On the journey from Ilorin to Lagos. Simi and Junior are sharing a seat in front of Hisham:

Junior: what the &*#! was that?

Simi: Theres something alive under the seat

Junior: holy &*#!, something's moving under the seat!

Simi: &*#!

Both are looking around frantically.

Hisham kicks can under seat again.

Junior: guys, theres something alive under the seat - &*#!, THERES SOMETHING MOVING UNDER THE SEAT.

Simi: &*#! man.

Junior: Hisham, is that you?

Richtie and Simi are hunting around for the invitational shirts to present to Dynamite RFC after the friendly match.

It appears Ugo had the shirts last. Ritchie and Simi are looking at Ugo accusingly. A moment passes before Ugo erupts.

"You two can &#@! off if you think I'm taking the blame for you two forgetti..."

Ritchie: We're not blaming you...

Classic Ugo (now smiling): my friend, I said 'IF'

"I heard you lost your phone. I'll help you find it...200 Naira"

Will King, being "shrewd".

"I can't help it, it's just vanity..."

Wole Olunfunwa, preparing to have a team photo taken, promptly discards the clean rugby jersey offered him in place of his precious (dirty) 13 jersey, for an even brighter whiter top, while his team-mates shuffle uneasily, stinking in their dirty kit, in the midday sun.

Illorin - Kwara state

By Hisham

We met at 7am prompt to get an early start for the long drive to Ilorin…we left at 4pm. We drove through the night, through villages and mud tracks. Will King sang a medley of songs to keep us entertained, and, some hours later, found ourselves in the Kwara hotel. Our hosts we extremely welcoming and we immediately felt that our stay in Ilorin would be some welcome R&R following the fast pace of Lagos. For the Playas; Rob, our illustrious coach, had other ideas. 3 hours of training followed by full game.

Crucially, this was also the point in the trip where Fred, the IRB coach we had along with us, and Andy Franco were to do some impressive work at grass roots level. Here’s how.

Ilorin has a rugby club. It doesn’t really have any opposition, but it has a club. 1 mens team and, surprisingly, 2 women’s teams (We saw there, as indeed we saw in Lagos later, that women square off against men’s teams quite frequently. Good luck to the rugby World when Nigeria’s women’s team emerges in earnest – they’ll be quite something. We were there to play them and to try and grow the sport by teaching school kids and qualifying coaches. To give you an idea of the passion for the game: we held an event which attracted 300 school children of all ages, we had to turn some away, with all the LNRFC lads spending the day schooling them in rugby.

When we arrived there was one official coach in Ilorin. When we left there were almost 50. The classes were hugely oversubscribed. We also raised funds to donate scrum machines, balls and pads to help them train. It’s very humbling to find such passion for rugby in a comparatively isolated area of Nigeria (I say isolated because viable opposition are very far away and expensive/difficult to reach), and with such little support or equipment.

The passion extended onto the pitch too. LNRFC played the ‘Dynamite’ club and were met with a ferocious, but ill-disciplined opposition. Being relentless, fearless and having absolutely no sense of self-preservation seem to be the foundations of rugby in Ilorin. Dynamite club literally would launch themselves into rucks horizontally, feet off the ground. We won, but it’s very easy to see them being daunting opposition in 2+ years time, maybe sooner.

We donated a cup, and some Virgin Nigeria sponsored shirts (They wore T-Shirts when they played us) and left in the hope that this could be a regular event. With almost 50 new coaches in Ilorin - Kwara state, some fantastic new equipment, and they passion they already have, we all are very keen to come back and see what they have developed in the next year.

10's Tournament 1

By Rob Relton

On Saturday 30 June six teams gathered at the British International school for an invitational 10 a side rugby tournament. Fortunately there was a break in the recent wet weather, so with clear skies, hospitality tents, bouncy castle, sound system (announcements and 'beats') the tournament got under way at 1.00pm.

The standard of rugby was high. The home teams (which included cowries, young lions, Lagos racing, Kwara rugby club) played with a distinctive style blending speed, passion, fearless determination; basically loose and fast.

The final saw Lagos racing and London Nigerian come together. Both sides has progressed through the tournament unbeaten and it looked set to be a compelling clash. A large crowd had gathered throughout the day and the support was certainly rooting for Racing - the home side. The match was tightly contested with Racing scoring once in the first half. The second half started in the same manner and, although LNRFC managed to pull back one score, Racing held a firm grip on the advantage. As the final whistle went the score was 12 – 5 to Racing; the crowd erupted and the celebrations went well into the night.

Disease spreads through tour party

It's a tough place, Nigeria. Only suitable for those with a hardy constitution.

Some of us have fallen foul of local disease, and this is a short who's who of those weak souls.

1. Jim, 2. Bankie, and 3. Ritchie all have stomach bugs due to over-indulgence on local produce.
4. Femi and 5. Chu-Chu both have chronic TB.
6. Will King has groin strain.
7. Following a knock on the head, Junior has amnesia and frequently forgets which team he plays for.

This left us with just 14 men to play the 10's tournament. Report to follow.

The Eagle has Landed

It began with all of LNRFC meeting at the airtport at 7pm prompt. (ahem). Nobody missed the plane. A very promising start. Sporting our new Virgin Nigeria tour tops we were taken through a personalised check in and fastracked through customs thanks to our sponsors, Virgin Nigeria.

A comfortable flight ( more comfortable for Junior who, as President of Nigeria, was promoted to first class), was followed by the immediate chaos of Lagos. We got to our hotel after 3hrs of creative driving across pavements, off-roading, and fording rivers. Brilliant. The illustrious Ambassador hotel greeted us warmly.

The night may or may not have involved heavy drinking. It's hard to remember.

London Nigerian Ambassador Tour begins

President Elect

Presidential Blog Corner

This week we are proud to announce that Nigerian President elect Nsa ‘Junior’ Harrison has decided to give LNRFC blog writers unrestricted access to his stupendous country farmhouse here in the UK in the weeks before his inauguration. For the past 6 months Nsa has been running a long distance but stunning campaign to usurp President Olesugun Obasanjo and install himself as the new President of Nigeria. His headquarters is a 20 acre state-of-the-art pig farm in sunny Somerset. Nsa studied Pig keeping at Bristol University and will in fact be Nigeria 1^st University educated president which adds to his overall appeal.

How did he win? LNRFC bloggers were more surprised than most. Nsa had a reputation at Bristol for replacing important tasks with, shall we say, less important ones. According to one anonymous former classmate, if given the choice of going to his Breed recognition finals exam or staying at home in bed, Nsa was bedbound every time. Even so he qualified with a double 1^st (certificate available for inspection) and was offered a scholarship to Harvard which he turned down to fight and subsequently win the presidential elections (information from presidential lawyer Jemi Akin-Olugbadin).

The picture below of Nsa (in blue) published in the Nigerian press looking very much the 26 years stated in his passport. This photo showing him in simple attire very much tied in with Nsa’s claim that his presidential style would be “for the people by the people”.

The EU Observation Mission called the election a charade that did not meet international standards or the aspirations of Nigerians. A Ms Sawwyer added “Our monitors throughout the country... documented numerous lapses, irregularities and electoral malpractices that characterised the election in many states”.

The Transition Monitoring Group (TMG), with 50,000 Nigeria observers on the ground, called for the polls to be cancelled.

In a world exclusive 1^st interview his Excellency-to-be answers his critics:

Nsa: It’s ridiculous. I was on my farm, how could I influence what was happening over there, and besides, that was around he time that a good friend asked me to come round for dinner.

Now you’ve been elected is it true that you plan to rule from Somerset…and why a pig farm?

Nsa: Well the thing is, I was going to go to Nigeria after I won, but I couldn’t get air conditioned pigsties in Abuja for my prized possessions – can you imagine that? Well that one of the first thing that’s going to change when I’m president.

Anyway Somerset reminds me of my village in Jos with the green fields, cattle and Glastonburyesque parties.. My father was a pig keeper and his father before him. The attraction?.. I find pig so much more honest than people especially certain countrymen of mine.

With the greatest respect your Excellency, you’re not really answering the question. How will you ensure that the electorate get a representative and fair democracy?

Nsa: Well I could do all that, and I will do all that, but now I have to go because my tea is ready and I’ve been waiting for my tea all day. Plus Jim has some shirts and I’ve got other stuff to do and I was going to do it then, but I went out before I could.

Thanks you Sa. Perhaps you’ll consider answering a few questions next week too?

Nsa: Of course I’ll be here and I can even answer more questions because I’ll have more time, because I won’t be in Oxford or Stains then, so I can answer loads more questions…huh, and yeah…but wait, because I think I might have tea again and that will mean I won’t have time.

Next week The Tough challenges for Nigeria’s 1^st pig keeping leader.

President Junior

This week we are very pleased to announce that Nsa ‘Junior’ Harrison has allowed us to report on his recent election campaign. For the past 6 months Nsa has been running a long distance campaign to usurp President Olesugun Obasanjo and install himself as the new President of Nigeria. His headquarters? A pig farm in Somerset where he hoped to gain the momentum and goodwill he needed. He did. Nigeria elected their noble son in droves and now Nigeria ‘expects.'

How did he win? LNRFC were more surprised than anyone. Nsa 'Junior' Harrison has a reputation for replacing important tasks with utterly frivolous ones. Not answering important emails because he had to ‘go out.’ For example.

The Tough Challenges Ahead

Bravely reported by Ugo Ekeowa.

Nsa Harrison replaces Olusegun Obansanjo when he is sworn in as Nigeria’s next president tomorrow on his Somerset farm. The inauguration was moved to the UK on Nsa’s insistence as Virgin Nigeria refused to transport his award winning Gloucestershire Old Spots without the necessary licences.

The ceremony was planned for last week but the president elect was cutting the grass on his 20 acre farm which he informs us “takes three whole days for the farm hands”.

World Exclusive; President Nsa’s Gloucester Old Spots

Nsa replaces Obasanjo, who plucked him from relative obscurity as a quiet Uk farmer to be his successor. There had been rumours that Nsa is in fact Ghanian but he laid these to rest by producing his Nigerian passport and birth certificate early in the election process. What was truly unique about his landslide ‘victory’ was that this was achieved without him setting foot in Nigeria during the election campaign which is unheard-of even in a country whose history is littered with coups and military rule. This form of campaigning may become a template for future election in other African states with scattered diaspora. The elections however have been condemned by observers both at home and abroad as simply "not credible”.

Overcoming the issue of legitimacy is just one of the tasks facing Nsa. Nigeria is the continent's major oil producer but is riven by corruption and insecurity. Most people lack even the most basic amenities, such as running water and electricity and they live in poverty despite the government receiving billions of dollars in oil revenues.

Nsa’s manifesto had included his headline antipoverty plan which was to provide a pig for every home where the salary was above thirty US dollars/day after means testing. He had also promised to fast track visa applications to the EU and US which proved very popular as shown in pre elections polls.

The president elect is currently overseeing the addition of the ‘Presidential Wing’ to his already substantial farmhouse in the west of Somerset. It is an exact replica of the Presidential Palace in Aso Rock. Of interest building work started two years ago which led some commentators to suggest that the election result was planned years ago. Nsa plans to be in daily email contact with his future ministers in Nigeria and has recently downloaded Skype which allows video conferencing. The identity of his ministers is a closely guarded secret but rumors suggest that Ossi Omokhodion his longstanding head groundsman is expected to fill the all important finance post.

For security reasons Nsa has moved his London base from relatively diverse Acton to Stains in West London. Head of security Femi Oba; We have found that there are too many Nigerians in Acton which means too many security risks. Stains is perfect as the President is nearer other world leaders and the holiday rental income is substantially more lucrative. Nsa has signed the completion forms.

Next week we discuss the New ministers and relive the splendor of the inauguration with more exclusive pictures. Any readers with particular issue that they want covered or questions they want the President to answer please write in.

Week 3. BBQ Bankie

LNRFC Blog: Virgin Nigeria Airways sponsored Tour to Nigeria

Somewhere around week 3.

Regular readers of this Blog will know that it didn't exist until this edition… For those who are new to this journal, we have some important updates on the progress of the tour. But first, a short recap: 30 intrepid members of London Nigerian's elite (ahem) have decided to flaunt their talent in the home territory, Nigeria. Tournaments are set up, TV interviews, sponsors, and early morning training in 'car parks.' In short, it's set to be quite the adventure. We have parties, BBQ's, Tug O'War, and clothing to sell. Everything is being thrown at this our in order to make it work. Here's the situation at week 3.

Meeting Metrics demonstrate avid dedication to tour.

Now, something like this wouldn't be possible without regular meetings, something LNRFC are as good at being late to, as they are at making them laboured. Let's look at them in detail:

The meeting metrics (paid for by Virgin Nigeria):

These statistics have been collated by quiet observers with modern videography equipment linked up to a computer bureau in Wales. Due to Wales' recent and massive investment in technology, we are able to get these figures just 3 weeks after the data has been submitted. Here they are:

Discussion points:

Tour Kit 99%

Other Business 0.5%

Rants and Tirades 0.5%

Yes indeed. Whether we raise enough money to get to Nigeria may be touch and go, but we are going to look damn good trying.

One insider tells us that they were hoping for a massive uplift in the Rants and Tirades ratio, but Fola walked out mid – tirade and lost us massive rating points. LNRFC now go down one place in Meetings National Division 3. (Fola did score highly on accuracy and insightfulness, but this is only taken into account during the group stages).

Attendance

Meeting 1 100%

Meeting 2 100%

Meeting 3 100%

(Accuracy +/- 95%)

Minutes rating N/A (Insufficient data)

Belligerent Bankie BBQs in Beating Rain

One of our most notable tourists has gone out of his way to make this tour happen. BBQ's in the rain are a rare endevour, but Francis "I'll BBQ anytime, anywhere" Irele, aka Bankie, defied the weather, God, and Physics when he was found BBQ'ing in the rain. More than that, he managed it whilst simultaneously making phone calls to BBQ punters coaxing them into coming and eating his rainy food. A noble cause indeed. To the surprise of his hungry punters, Bankie managed to retain the spice on the chicken despite the flood from the heavens, and all were satisfied. It wasn't the feeding of the five thousand, but at this stage – it all counts.

Next week – LNRFC gate crash a Nigerian Carnival, and we have the answer to the question you've all been waiting for – will we look good in the new tour baseball caps?

Late breaking News: This just (eagerly) sent in by Tunde Aiyegbusi

Ode to Virgin Nigeria by Tunde Aiyegbusi

Vigin, Virgin Nigeria
Your airline is really superior
I so love your planes
They drive me insane
If you were a woman I'd want to be with ya