Sunday, 17 June 2007

President Junior

This week we are very pleased to announce that Nsa ‘Junior’ Harrison has allowed us to report on his recent election campaign. For the past 6 months Nsa has been running a long distance campaign to usurp President Olesugun Obasanjo and install himself as the new President of Nigeria. His headquarters? A pig farm in Somerset where he hoped to gain the momentum and goodwill he needed. He did. Nigeria elected their noble son in droves and now Nigeriaexpects.'

How did he win? LNRFC were more surprised than anyone. Nsa 'Junior' Harrison has a reputation for replacing important tasks with utterly frivolous ones. Not answering important emails because he had to ‘go out.’ For example.

The Tough Challenges Ahead

Bravely reported by Ugo Ekeowa.

Nsa Harrison replaces Olusegun Obansanjo when he is sworn in as Nigeria’s next president tomorrow on his Somerset farm. The inauguration was moved to the UK on Nsa’s insistence as Virgin Nigeria refused to transport his award winning Gloucestershire Old Spots without the necessary licences.

The ceremony was planned for last week but the president elect was cutting the grass on his 20 acre farm which he informs us “takes three whole days for the farm hands”.

World Exclusive; President Nsa’s Gloucester Old Spots

Nsa replaces Obasanjo, who plucked him from relative obscurity as a quiet Uk farmer to be his successor. There had been rumours that Nsa is in fact Ghanian but he laid these to rest by producing his Nigerian passport and birth certificate early in the election process. What was truly unique about his landslide ‘victory’ was that this was achieved without him setting foot in Nigeria during the election campaign which is unheard-of even in a country whose history is littered with coups and military rule. This form of campaigning may become a template for future election in other African states with scattered diaspora. The elections however have been condemned by observers both at home and abroad as simply "not credible”.

Overcoming the issue of legitimacy is just one of the tasks facing Nsa. Nigeria is the continent's major oil producer but is riven by corruption and insecurity. Most people lack even the most basic amenities, such as running water and electricity and they live in poverty despite the government receiving billions of dollars in oil revenues.

Nsa’s manifesto had included his headline antipoverty plan which was to provide a pig for every home where the salary was above thirty US dollars/day after means testing. He had also promised to fast track visa applications to the EU and US which proved very popular as shown in pre elections polls.

The president elect is currently overseeing the addition of the ‘Presidential Wing’ to his already substantial farmhouse in the west of Somerset. It is an exact replica of the Presidential Palace in Aso Rock. Of interest building work started two years ago which led some commentators to suggest that the election result was planned years ago. Nsa plans to be in daily email contact with his future ministers in Nigeria and has recently downloaded Skype which allows video conferencing. The identity of his ministers is a closely guarded secret but rumors suggest that Ossi Omokhodion his longstanding head groundsman is expected to fill the all important finance post.

For security reasons Nsa has moved his London base from relatively diverse Acton to Stains in West London. Head of security Femi Oba; We have found that there are too many Nigerians in Acton which means too many security risks. Stains is perfect as the President is nearer other world leaders and the holiday rental income is substantially more lucrative. Nsa has signed the completion forms.

Next week we discuss the New ministers and relive the splendor of the inauguration with more exclusive pictures. Any readers with particular issue that they want covered or questions they want the President to answer please write in.


Anonymous said...

As a patriot and a rugby player, I want to know the President's thoughts about the game and weather he is aware of the Virgin Nigeria sponsored tour that lnrfc are about to undertake to the motherland.

Lnrfc Explaya
Tokunbo Idowu

LNRFC said...

Thank you for writing in. We humbly put this question to the new president:

Nsa "Yeah, I am coming on tour too. I think the weather will be great and really good for volleyball.
Q: Rugby?
Nsa: Yeah. Let's be honest you don't need my help, LNRFC are going to do some damage on their own. Besides I'm not sure if coming because I might have to go to Tesco.